Hammertime

I recently watched The Social Dilemma and had a thought, what if our tools were all like our smartphones. What follows is my dramatization…

It’s Saturday. Chore day. You head outside into the garage to grab more ant bait to fix the ant problem upstairs. Forgetting what you came out there for, you notice a red badge and a number 1 on your smart hammer. You tap on the attached display to read the message. Up pops the tiny message on the embedded LCD screen.

“5 tips and tricks from the hammer community on how to connect better with your family while hammering.”

You’re smart about these notifications, so you dismiss it. You are in charge! You the man!

Meanwhile, you think of the unfinished treehouse in the backyard.

“I really need to finish that treehouse.”

Hey, maybe you can plan a treehouse building party with your son so you can connect with him. He’s been stuck on Roblox and Brawl stars for too long – time for some father son quality time!

You think of how smart you were for getting the free SmartHammer. No more paying for hammers for you! Just watch a quick ad and you don’t have to pay for a hammer subscription. Being a smart thrifty dad is fun and cool. I can tune out ads no sweat! Plus, I get to feel connected with all the other cool dads hammering, get free advice and an exclusive youtube channel.

You head out to start preparing the treehouse ladder. Hammer in hand, you open it up and start watching videos describing the best ways to build a tree house ladder. Your hammer is connected to Lowes, so you order the material for delivery directly. Isn’t the future fun, safe and efficient! Think of how much time I saved with my SmartHammer.

It’s Saturday and you and your son are in front of the treehouse with the supplies. You decide to take some videos of the process with your SmartHammer. Luckily, it comes with a free camera. You upload the video to your community of SmartHammer dads of your son using the Hammer. You are so proud of him!

The messages coming back from using the hammer are super validating. What a great dad I am. Thumbs up! Smiley Face! Goose Emoji! Wait, goose emoji???!!! Someone a***hole dad made fun of my kid for choking on the hammer too high.

I start to look at my son, and his choking technique. Ignoring the validating texts, I imagine his future, mocked and laughed at for his improper hammer technique. I imagine the other dads at the neighborhood social distanced block party, pointing their finger at the Gooseman Kraay, who raised a goose son.

Plunging myself into a funk, I tell my son we’re giving up. He heads upstairs clueless and starts playing Roblox. He prefers it anyhow.

I go into my garage, and stair at the hammer. I look at myself in the reflection of the 56 ford fairlane and then the hammer. I’m a no-good dad. I pickup the hammer, and a nail, to prove to myself I am good at hammering. I hold the head of the nail, then slam the hammer down without removing the nail. Ouch! What am I doing??

Feeling full of shame and a black and blue hand, I start scrolling through the messages on the hammer. I notice a strange post.

“The secret of why everyone uses drills”. In a moment of weakness, you click the ad. Two hours later, you are all caught up on the truth of the matter. DeWalt is part of a vast conspiracy to replace all hammers with drills, and the government is using drills to control our minds and enslave us.

It all makes so much sense. Why do we use screws for our decks instead of hammers? What about the so called hammer drill? The trips to the hardware store where new drills are promoted toward the front, and the lowly hammer is gathering dust in the back.

You start watching videos describing the conspiracy, and head to twitter and notice there is a demonstration outside the state house tonight to protest “big drill”, right when an elected official plans to drive by.

You join the demonstration with others who see the light, carrying their tool belts with hammers. Police armed with DeWalt drills are blocking the motorcade. You see the escort. In a fit of passion and rage, you throw your hammer at the car. It smashes the back window. Armed police are on top of you pushing you to the ground, and lace up your arms with zip ties.

You’re thrown in the back of a black windowless cargo van. Inside, your thumb throbbing from last nights self harm and face bruised, you see dim shapes. As your eyes adjust, you notice there are 6 other guys. Out of your stupor, you recognize one. It’s the Hammer Bros, Hammer Head Shark, a guy who is dressed like Thor and Mc Hammer!

MC Hammer looks at you and then turns away. You hear him murmer,

“It’s Hammertime…”

You know that what he means – you can take our bodies, but you can never take our freedom!